ABSTINENCE-ONLY DRIVER'S ED

A great spoof on abstinence-only sex education....

Thanks for making it out on a rainy Saturday, kids.
Slippery out there, huh? Let's get started. We're gonna
have some fun today!
Car accidents are a leading cause of death for teenagers. The
school board and your elected representatives want to make
sure that you and your families are spared from such a
tragedy, which is why the money for driver's ed was
eliminated from the budget. Whereas last year I was teaching
your older siblings how to shift and brake and three-point-turn
during a six-week course, it has since been decreed that I
actually need just one afternoon to tell you the only piece of
safety information I'm permitted by law to share:
The ONLY 100 percent effective method for avoiding car
accidents is to ABSTAIN from driving until marriage.
Yes, yes, I know you've been bombarded with messages from
popular culture about how much fun it would be to get behind
the wheel of a red convertible, find an unbroken stretch of
country road, and, with the wind in your hair, see what she can
do. I know that up until now you had the mistaken belief that
getting a driver's license was a cherished milestone of your
young, sweet, innocent lives. It isn't. It's a milestone, all right:
a milestone indicating terrible pain, degradation, and certain
death.
"What about seat belts?" you might be saying to yourself.
"Don't seat belts GUARANTEE that I CAN'T POSSIBLY die
in a car?" Bzzzt! Wrongo. Every single day in this country,
seat belts FAIL. In fact, I know of a study that proves—
CONCLUSIVELY proves, people—that seat belts will fail 75
percent of the time.
Who did the study? Government workers.
Well, OK, East German government workers. At a single
bribe- and patronage-ridden Trabant factory in 1967.
Moving on.
Along with unbridled premarital driving, we have a group of
people who threaten to undermine everything America stands
for, and that is your parents. Parents who seem to think it's a
good idea to teach their children how to drive a car, to put
their precious gifts from the Almighty into the cold twistedmetal
hands of certain destruction. "My mom takes me to the
church parking lot and lets me practice three-point turns!" you
might say. "We only went 5 miles an hour!"
Kids, please direct your attention to the poster above the
blackboard here: FASTER THAN PARKED IS FAST
ENOUGH TO KILL.
If Grandpa offers to take you out to the cornfield for stick-shift
practice, or to an empty suburban street so you can practice
your parallel-parking, YOU ARE STILL DRIVING, AND
DRIVING IS WHAT I'M TELLING YOU NOT TO DO. Got
it? One day you're shifting with Gramps and two weeks later
the thrill will have worn off and you'll have to up the ante.
You'll have to move on to highway driving. Then, standing up,
with your head sticking out the sunroof, you cruise through the
big city at night. Then you'll be doing doughnuts. Drag racing.
Sideshowing. Ghostriding the whip. Tokyo drifting.
Oh sure, ghostriding the whip LOOKS incredibly cool and
badass. But when your parents are in the hospital waiting
room trying to decide whether or not to donate your corneas to
science—because you're BRAIN-DEAD—maybe THEN
you'll regret those parallel-parking lessons, hm?
Please note the other poster, above the door there: DON'T
WANT TO DIE? DON'T TRY TO DRIVE. It's just that
simple.
Fear not, kids: there's a time in your life when driving a car
will cease to be an evil and disgusting shame-riddled
experience. That happens after you're married. My husband
got me a Corvette for our anniversary. How sweet is that? And
take it from ME: NO premarital driving could ever have felt as
good as the driving my husband and I do together.
Remember this handy little slogan: "No ring on your finger,
no hand on the shifter." Maybe it made more sense in
Australia, sure. But the sentiment still holds!
Now some of you may wonder if it's OK to drive when you're
a legal adult yet still unmarried. Sure, it's "not illegal" to drive
when you're 18. It's also "not illegal" to drive a car at 17, 16,
or even 15 if you are so unlucky as to have some of those
horrifically overpermissive parents. But that doesn't make it
morally right.
Imagine the beautiful gift you'll give your future spouse if you
curb your instincts and ABSTAIN from zipping all over town
with any boy who sticks a thumb out at you. Think about
THAT one.
And for those of you wondering if it's OK for you to learn to
drive because you're gay and can't get legally married, well,
don't worry your troubled minds about that, because there's no
driving where YOU'RE headed. Everyone in Greenwich
Village takes the subway.
This is all very serious, guys. The incidence of car crashes in
this town has quintupled, just since the beginning of
Abstinence-Only Driver's Ed six months ago. QUINTUPLED.
Do you know how much that is? Me neither, but it proves you
need to do exactly what I say. Class dismissed.
Oh and hey: whichever one of you owns the gray Taurus, you
left your lights on.